Closet
I don’t think I ever fully understood the purpose of a prayer closet until about two hours ago.
I was in one of my weird moods. I can’t give a reason why, because usually they come without one. I went to dinner, ate, and left early before everyone else. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I needed the quiet, I needed myself. Still, no real reason why, it was just what I needed. I went back to my room and picked up “Patriarchs and Prophets,” a book I had previously been reading excessively but recently put down. After awhile I couldn’t focus. I wanted to focus, but I just couldn’t seem to do so. I put the book down and went for my journal. I’ve had that thing for six years now and I feel safe within its pages. I started to write, mostly about this weird place I was in and how all I wanted was rest and peace. I love my journal, but even in that moment it wasn’t enough. I closed it and just sat on my bed in silence, staring out the window. The one thing I was most sure of at that point was that God and I needed to have a talk, and I needed somewhere private.
So, I searched the dorm. I considered every place until I eventually wound up in the basement. I thought there would be a vespers in the chapel down there tonight, but there wasn’t. I had the room to myself. I went over to one of the benches, got down on my knees, and began to pray more passionately than I ever have before. I missed God.
I missed Him.
I hadn’t honestly spoken or connected with Him in a few weeks, and all that time apart from Him was finally catching up to me. Eventually I got up, sat on the bench, and just started to think. I thought about His love, His grace, His mercy, His name, and all of a sudden I just began to sing.
There was no one around. It was just me and God, alone, in one room. No one to impress, no one to judge or be judged by. This was my prayer closet. All my focus was on Him. So, in the midst of singing songs about His Love, His grace, His mercy, and His name, I just…
cried.
I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. I sang and I cried. For an hour all I did was sing and cry. When I actually thought about the words that were coming out of my mouth,
Soon and very soon my King is coming clothed in righteousness and crowned with love. When I see Him I shall be made like Him, soon and very soon. Soon and very soon I’ll be going to the place He has prepared for me. There my sins erased, my shame forgotten. Soon and very soon.
What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.
He is jealous for me, love like a hurricane I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. How He loves us, how He loves us.
When I thought about these words. When I really considered what they meant, I couldn’t help but cry.
He came down here. Jesus came down to this hell hole we call Earth, lived an unmatched, sinless life, embodied what real love is, let us, people, His creation, persecute Him who is one with our maker, let us patronize and ridicule Him, then He willingly dragged a cross across the ground, let human beings proceed to nail Him to that cross, and bled for us. Bled and died for us, just to let us know How He Loves Us, that His Blood Can Wash Away Our Sins and can Make Us Whole Again. To tell us that Our Afflictions Are Eclipsed By His Glory and that He Is Jealous For Us.
There are honestly no words in any language, I believe, to express the kind of love God has for us. I don’t fully understand why He cares about us so much, why He is so jealous for us, and I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t see why someone would want people so very badly who turn Him down on a regular basis, and I don’t think human minds can yet comprehend such love, but
Soon and very soon.
GB
Ephesians 3:17-19
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
